Author, columnist, speaker

The Biden-Xi Call: Getting Real 

President Joe Biden (L) and China's leader Xi Jinping at Woodside Calif. summit on Nov. 15, 2023. (NYT via AP in The Washington Times)

By Robert Knight

Communist dictator Xi Jinping, leader of China, met this past week over the phone with President Joe Biden.

The White House said they had a “candid and constructive discussion on a range of bilateral, regional and global issues.”

To which I say, yada yada.

Here’s a guess at what really transpired.

Note: The facts are documented. The dialogue is fictional.

Xi: Thanks for taking my call, my vassal. You have done quite well during your first term. America has been weakened economically, culturally and even spiritually to a level beyond our wildest dreams. Issuing your 639-word “Transgender Day of Visibility” proclamation for Easter Sunday was particularly delicious. And then blaming the calendar when you got pushback.

President Biden: Thanks, uh, Mr. Xi.

Xi: I also commend you for your brutal war on America’s energy industry. Your EPA has been a marvel. Emissions rules will ban 67 percent of gasoline powered vehicles by 2032. You are forcing unwilling consumers into electric vehicles while you rip apart your nation’s electric grid by closing fossil fuel plants. This is adding up to an all-out energy disaster for America very shortly. And we control 80 percent of battery components, not to mention parts for solar panels and windmills. You are putting America under our thumb in so many ways.

Biden: I couldn’t do this without your encouragement. Hunter sends his regards, by the way.

Xi: Yes, having Hunter work the crowd at the Easter Egg roll was another stroke of genius. It sent a message to voters that you couldn’t care less about your family’s mounting scandals involving China and Ukraine. It’s, as you Americans say, an “in your face” moment that should intimidate your weak-kneed opponents, except that odious Trump character.

You need to do more than four criminal indictments. He’s not even in prison yet.

Biden: Have I told you about the new electric truck mandate? On March 29, the EPA issued rules requiring 25 percent of semitrucks and other big rigs to be electric by 2032. Do you have any idea how battery-heavy these trucks will be and how short a range they’ll have?

This should cost billions, much of it coming in higher consumer costs for everything. Hiking prices astronomically over the last three years at the gas pump and grocery stores did not do enough. So, we doubled down again.

Xi: Good, good. I hear that you’re also targeting America’s railroads, using our reliable lever, California, to swing the rest of the country.

Biden: Yes, my fellow Democrats are working on phasing out any trains more than 23 years old unless they are “zero emissions.” This will kill off most current trains. Did you know that more than 160 million tons of cargo each year enter or leave California by rail?

The state has already spent $11 billion of taxpayer money on a ridiculous electric bullet train between San Francisco and Los Angeles that will take another $100 billion to complete in, say, 10 years. And people there keep voting for Democrats. Our Cultural Revolution in the public schools clearly has worked its magic.

Xi: I understand that California now averages about 100 blackouts and brownouts a year. This will grow exponentially as you replace gas-powered vehicles with plug-ins. We also love your new federal Climate Corps, budgeted with $8 billion. That will train thousands of young Americans to assail what’s left of your capitalist system.

Biden: On top of all this, our media are keeping most people in the dark, pardon the pun. An exception occurred a few days ago, when the Washington Post actually published an article revealing that only seven electric vehicle charging stations have been built two years after Congress allocated $7.5 billion for that purpose.

I will have my gal Karine Jean-Pierre give the Post a call to remind them about their role in the regime.

Xi: I see your election is coming up in November, and that your Democratic Party is betting everything on abortion. I like that. We want fewer Americans. Killing babies is one surefire way.

Another is our shipping chemicals to Mexican cartels, whose synthetic fentanyl is killing about 70,000 Americans annually with overdoses. Thanks for keeping the border wide open for us.

Biden: Hey, no problem. We’re also working to get rid of voter ID and other election annoyances that you don’t have. And you don’t have to worry about losing customers for your products; we’re replacing Americans with illegal immigrants.

We’ve enabled six to 10 million illegals to enter so far and hope to turn them all into voters soon. We have no idea who most of them are. Some of them are your countrymen of military age.

Xi: Speaking of immigration, I see that you’ve introduced a citizenship form allowing immigrants to select X as their gender. Bravo. The transgender revolution, in which bourgeois irritants like so-called truth, morality and even biology, are effectively outlawed. This has been a roaring success.

If the reactionaries don’t stop it, it will kill what’s left of religious liberty. You can become like China, where we permit churches only if they do what we tell them. Maybe you need another surge of COVID, too.

Biden: Well, this has been wonderful, but I have to go now. The Easter bunny is here to escort me back to my bedroom. Have a great trip home.

Xi: Wait. I didn’t go anywhere. I just called you. Never mind.